Starting is scary.
A childish observation perhaps, but we all start as children, and it seems like every new beginning in some way brings us back to our earliest memories of meeting new people or riding a bike. For me, this blog is one of those instances. While I've thought and prayed about writing one for some time, I've been putting it off for one reason or another, all boiling down to me being afraid. Afraid of rejection, hurtful comments, becoming overwhelmed, and, above all, failure.
And so it is that failure becomes the inspiration for this whole project~ because, as one of my very wise professors pointed out (compliments of Blessed John Henry Newman!), we are not put on this earth to be perfect, because we cannot be. We are fallen and broken and simply cannot do it all ourselves, and so rather than trying to be perfect, we can only set out to be the best we can be. We then understand that God means us to be the best possible failure that we can. Thus, He means me to try, to work to be holy for Him, and yet He knows that I can never be perfect.
At first glance, this seems awfully depressing. God put me on this earth, expecting me to fail?! To a perfectionist who likes to control her own fate (aka. me), this is very hard to accept. And yet, knowing that no matter how hard I try to be perfect, I always fail anyway, also makes this an incredibly freeing statement. Consciously or subconsciously I have tried all my life to be perfect, to never fail, and while I sometimes fool myself into thinking that I am indeed perfect, if I am honest with myself, I recognize that I truly am not. I always manage to forget a detail, or a person, or a birthday...
But this humiliating recognition then enables me to accept that perhaps I am not perfect because I am not meant to be. That perhaps it was a loving and merciful act of God who recognized that being perfect is too big of a burden for a mere creature. That to "be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48) requires the aid of that Father himself, and cannot be left to us. Instead, we are left to try, and as long as we try, accepting that we will fail, we can then recognize the love of the Father who would not place such a heavy burden upon us. Instead we fail, and He perfects us with His love. And so rather than a spiteful God who laughs at our failures, He gives us the gift of love, found in the ability to fail.
And so opens a new project for me. Perhaps it will fail, but I must at least try. And trust. God will do the rest.
