(Holy) Family

Since May is the month of Mary, it always leads me to reflect on the Holy Family as a whole. I’ll admit, Mary and Joseph for a long time were puzzling to me. They both seemed like distant figures who I really didn’t know a lot about – and so didn’t really relate to me. Even though as a cradle Catholic I knew that Mary is my mother, and in theory I could see Joseph as a foster father, I just didn’t get it. They were nice, and every once in a while I’d see a mental connection to them, but they weren’t real. That is, until I started seeing images like this:

Mary is eating. And doing laundry. Joseph is playing with his son. Jesus is a baby--playing.  Now, all of these things may seem obvious, since they were a normal family for much of Jesus’ life (those pesky ‘hidden years’). But sometimes it’s hard to imagine the family you hear about in the gospels just being a family (rather than a super amazing, we’re-here-to-save-the-world example for us all to try to live up to). This is why I love this picture so much. This family isn’t saving the world; these people are simply doing what families do, enjoying and loving the moment they are in. Yet this family is the holiest of families!

Let me tell you, it is so hard for me to remember this. It is so much easier to let Mary and Joseph slip back into ‘holy example’ status. Yet when they are ideals rather than people we get into trouble. This trouble can go two ways:

First, when they are ideals, I can easily write them out of my life. I can think “Mary and Joseph were just holy rollers, I can’t be anything like them, I have laundry to do.”  This way, I can go about my daily life without a thought for God.

Or, I can go the other way. I can think “Mary and Joseph were holy rollers, I have to pray constantly, volunteer for everything, be at every Church event, make sure my kid has the Catechism memorized by age 5, and expect my husband to do the same.” This way, I can go about ‘God’s business’ without a thought for my daily tasks.

Now, I hope the problems with each of these extremes are evident—they usually are, when you put them in plain words, but it’s so easy to get caught up in one of these ways of thinking, I’m usually in the thick of thinking this way before I realize how it’s affecting me and my family.

Each extreme has tempted me at different times (and in various forms) in my life. This is why during this month of Mary I most love to reflect on the “hidden years” of Jesus’ life. This time reminds us that the ordinary times and tasks of our lives can be where we achieve holiness, and for most of us, will be where we achieve it. It reminds me that saints aren’t always made in radical near-death conversion experiences (though those are the ones that stick in my memory), but in living daily life with intentionality. Holiness happens by giving every day to God, in remembering that if he has given me an 8 month old and a home to take care of, then that is how I will be made a saint, just as Mary and Joseph became saints through caring for their son and their home. 

Rules, Judgment and Parenting

“NO!” has become a fairly common word in my household. It’s the word that I say when my nine month old gets into something that he views as particularly good—shoes, trash, electrical cords and outlets. All of those tantalizing items that are so good to chew on, and also have the wonderful effect of Mom coming over to bring him to a new place with no effort. And while he now pauses and stops to smile at me at the sound of that word (so I KNOW he understands), 99 times out of 100 he just moves faster towards whatever it is.

Ooo a phone!! Let me have it!!

I’d like to think that this is just a phase—something he’ll outgrow when he realizes that Mom just has his best interests in mind, but I know from experience that it’s not. Because even as an adult, I know that there are things that I can’t have- things the Church has outlined in various places. And I know that these ‘forbidden’ things seem so much more appealing because of the very fact that they are forbidden, that sometimes I just want to smile at the Church and then run towards whatever tempts me that day.

Because of this desire, many people adopt a view of license in adulthood—I’m a grown person, so I can do whatever I want, no rules (no annoying mother --the Church can’t exactly come pick everyone up and place them near real toys-- this thought makes my job look easy).  We think: “the pesky Church can’t tell me what to do anyways, I’m an adult.”  And, since people are going to do these things whether they are forbidden or not, we should just remove some of the temptation by making them acceptable. Because when we make rules, we also make judgments, and who are we to judge?

This way of thinking, which turns Christ’s teaching back on the Church, seems to be so sound, and solve so many problems. We become tolerant, rather than judgmental, we remove the temptation that saying ‘no’ to something creates. Life is good.

At the same time, no one would say that I should just hand my son my shoes to chew on—who knows what I’ve stepped in, never mind the chemicals that go into creating the shoes in the first place. It would be like handing him disease (in a cute size 10 package). People realize that a nine month old needs to be told ‘no’ for his own health and well-being. He doesn’t like it, and may cry, but it is what’s best for him.

Yummy yummy shoes....

As adults though, we think we know everything—we can determine what is best for us, and anyone who says otherwise is simply ‘judging’ us, no matter their logic or experience. This comparison makes me think that perhaps we need to think through our ideas of judgment, tolerance and adulthood.  Maybe we can learn from the nine month old—it seems to be part of the human condition to always be confused about what is best for us. Maybe we need ‘parents’ all the way through our lives—and being redirected to real toys isn’t actually a bad thing. 

The Best Sound EVER (and no, I'm not exaggerating)

Yesterday was a fantastic day. Not only did I get to get my haircut (exciting, I know, but I’d been talking about it for months!), but I also got to meet up with a group of Moms from my parish and chat with them about all kinds of trivial and not so trivial things. And at the end of the day, I got to hear the best sound in the world: My baby laughed.

The first time he laughed was over a month ago, but at this point he’s not a giggly baby. His laughs are few and far between, and so still so special. Usually, he opens his mouth into the biggest smile possible and just sort of squeaks at me—like he wants to laugh, but just doesn’t know how. Last night, though, he was ticklish and chuckling. Apparently “This Little Piggy” is actually quite funny.

Laughter is one of those things I usually take for granted; I laugh more easily with friends and those I love than otherwise, and while I do at times tend to be more serious, it is not because I cannot laugh. This little baby has taught me to realize how beautiful and profound that ability is. Because his laughter has come out with his personality-- it is more beautiful because it is innocent, because we have to work for it, because we have to learn what he finds funny. He is an individual with a sense of humor and his laughter is one of the first signs of who he will be.

These thoughts remind me of something a professor once said to me: The devil has no sense of humor because laughter is an indication that we do not take ourselves or this world too seriously, which is what the devil does. The innocent child’s laughter helps us to see this; he is not burdened by sin, and so he sees simple things in this world and laughs because of the joy of them. Christ enables us to continue laughing as adults because he enables us to laugh at our mistakes and follies, although they are serious, for he has redeemed them. This is why I love this cheesy picture- which is so cheesy- but I love it because it is a picture of Jesus as a human person, laughing with the freedom that we all should have, rather than as a moral teacher or judge who takes us to task for our failings (which is how I tend to see him in my mind):

  

Christ allows us to relax, to find humor in little things and in our many absurdities, enabling us to use these failings as opportunities to see his goodness and greatness in the everyday. My child’s laughter, coming from the sheer joy of having his father toss a toy on his lap, is even more like Jesus’ laughter than my laughter can be.

As adults, we usually laugh at absurdities or incongruities—and this does keep us from taking ourselves too seriously, which is great. But Peter’s laughter is purer than that. Instead, it is a reminder of the joy of being alive, of his being a person with a sense of humor, and of the hope we all have in things to come. It is a result of the joy of being loved and the nature of the world-- that some things, for no apparent reason at all, are just funny!  Like this:

Oh so much more...

I’m only able to write this because my baby is sleeping. When he is awake, he demands my attention, or at the very least, my hands and body. Every day for the last four months, he has laid his claim on them- and through my body I have nourished him and watched him thrive.

While taking care of my son does require mental engagement (I am not a zombie mom), it strikes me over and over again that what he needs most from me right now is my physical presence: my body. In grad school, I often heard John Paul II’s Theology of the Body belittled as a narrow teaching about human sexuality; what I have come to realize is that this teaching can go so much further.

Theology of the Body is primarily about the idea that the human person is not just a soul, but a body and soul, and that through the body the soul is expressed. Thus, John Paul asks us to recognize the dignity of the human body and its actions, seeing the actions of the body as its language. As a community, we intuitively recognize the dignity of a person’s words, since they seem to obviously come from her rational soul. The Theology of the Body recognizes the idea that the soul is expressed in more ways than just words, and that even words require the work of the body. This is in contradiction to modern culture, which does its best to reduce the dignity of the body to that of a mere tool, in turn, removing the dignity of the body’s actions.

Hopefully, you can see that this has obvious implications for human sexuality. What is less obvious is how important this teaching is for other areas of life and for helping us to understand our individual vocations- for me, motherhood.

If my body was simply a tool, rather than integral to who I am, it would be a lot more difficult to see motherhood as a vocation, rather than an occupation. For, right now, as a mother, my primary duties are feeding, cleaning, and entertaining my child. Exciting, I know. I also know that thanks to modern developments in nutrition, anyone can do these tasks. Because of this fact, I find it easy to belittle my own choice to stay home to mother my child. Instead what I have to choose every day is realize that for me as his mother, these actions mean something more.

In many ways it would be easier to write off my actions as biological facts: instinct responding to necessity. I’m sure science could explain away an infant’s love for his mother and vice versa. In the same way it is easier to say that anyone can care for an infant just as well; this is to say that Theology of the Body is just putting rose-colored glasses on tasks that are mundane. But so much of the world depends on perspective. In large part, this is what Catholicism is about—it’s about asking the questions:

Do you choose to see the world as it is, or as it could be? Do you prefer to take things at face value, or to ask what they mean?

To me, the richer answer, and the richer way of life, always lies in the latter half of those questions.

This meaning is what motivates me to do these simple tasks every day. It is easy to forget- changing a diaper is not a pleasant task by any stretch of the imagination. However, when I think of it in terms of an expression of the Theology of the Body—of these simple actions as expressions of my love for my child— they become not only bearable, but a part of my vocation. For it is through this task and the many other daily tasks like it that I am able to express my love for my child. Because I know right now that my son does not understand the “love” words I repeat to him many times a day, but his smile when I come to pick him up after his nap tells me that he understands the small actions that say the same thing.