(Holy) Family

Since May is the month of Mary, it always leads me to reflect on the Holy Family as a whole. I’ll admit, Mary and Joseph for a long time were puzzling to me. They both seemed like distant figures who I really didn’t know a lot about – and so didn’t really relate to me. Even though as a cradle Catholic I knew that Mary is my mother, and in theory I could see Joseph as a foster father, I just didn’t get it. They were nice, and every once in a while I’d see a mental connection to them, but they weren’t real. That is, until I started seeing images like this:

Mary is eating. And doing laundry. Joseph is playing with his son. Jesus is a baby--playing.  Now, all of these things may seem obvious, since they were a normal family for much of Jesus’ life (those pesky ‘hidden years’). But sometimes it’s hard to imagine the family you hear about in the gospels just being a family (rather than a super amazing, we’re-here-to-save-the-world example for us all to try to live up to). This is why I love this picture so much. This family isn’t saving the world; these people are simply doing what families do, enjoying and loving the moment they are in. Yet this family is the holiest of families!

Let me tell you, it is so hard for me to remember this. It is so much easier to let Mary and Joseph slip back into ‘holy example’ status. Yet when they are ideals rather than people we get into trouble. This trouble can go two ways:

First, when they are ideals, I can easily write them out of my life. I can think “Mary and Joseph were just holy rollers, I can’t be anything like them, I have laundry to do.”  This way, I can go about my daily life without a thought for God.

Or, I can go the other way. I can think “Mary and Joseph were holy rollers, I have to pray constantly, volunteer for everything, be at every Church event, make sure my kid has the Catechism memorized by age 5, and expect my husband to do the same.” This way, I can go about ‘God’s business’ without a thought for my daily tasks.

Now, I hope the problems with each of these extremes are evident—they usually are, when you put them in plain words, but it’s so easy to get caught up in one of these ways of thinking, I’m usually in the thick of thinking this way before I realize how it’s affecting me and my family.

Each extreme has tempted me at different times (and in various forms) in my life. This is why during this month of Mary I most love to reflect on the “hidden years” of Jesus’ life. This time reminds us that the ordinary times and tasks of our lives can be where we achieve holiness, and for most of us, will be where we achieve it. It reminds me that saints aren’t always made in radical near-death conversion experiences (though those are the ones that stick in my memory), but in living daily life with intentionality. Holiness happens by giving every day to God, in remembering that if he has given me an 8 month old and a home to take care of, then that is how I will be made a saint, just as Mary and Joseph became saints through caring for their son and their home. 

Rules, Judgment and Parenting

“NO!” has become a fairly common word in my household. It’s the word that I say when my nine month old gets into something that he views as particularly good—shoes, trash, electrical cords and outlets. All of those tantalizing items that are so good to chew on, and also have the wonderful effect of Mom coming over to bring him to a new place with no effort. And while he now pauses and stops to smile at me at the sound of that word (so I KNOW he understands), 99 times out of 100 he just moves faster towards whatever it is.

Ooo a phone!! Let me have it!!

I’d like to think that this is just a phase—something he’ll outgrow when he realizes that Mom just has his best interests in mind, but I know from experience that it’s not. Because even as an adult, I know that there are things that I can’t have- things the Church has outlined in various places. And I know that these ‘forbidden’ things seem so much more appealing because of the very fact that they are forbidden, that sometimes I just want to smile at the Church and then run towards whatever tempts me that day.

Because of this desire, many people adopt a view of license in adulthood—I’m a grown person, so I can do whatever I want, no rules (no annoying mother --the Church can’t exactly come pick everyone up and place them near real toys-- this thought makes my job look easy).  We think: “the pesky Church can’t tell me what to do anyways, I’m an adult.”  And, since people are going to do these things whether they are forbidden or not, we should just remove some of the temptation by making them acceptable. Because when we make rules, we also make judgments, and who are we to judge?

This way of thinking, which turns Christ’s teaching back on the Church, seems to be so sound, and solve so many problems. We become tolerant, rather than judgmental, we remove the temptation that saying ‘no’ to something creates. Life is good.

At the same time, no one would say that I should just hand my son my shoes to chew on—who knows what I’ve stepped in, never mind the chemicals that go into creating the shoes in the first place. It would be like handing him disease (in a cute size 10 package). People realize that a nine month old needs to be told ‘no’ for his own health and well-being. He doesn’t like it, and may cry, but it is what’s best for him.

Yummy yummy shoes....

As adults though, we think we know everything—we can determine what is best for us, and anyone who says otherwise is simply ‘judging’ us, no matter their logic or experience. This comparison makes me think that perhaps we need to think through our ideas of judgment, tolerance and adulthood.  Maybe we can learn from the nine month old—it seems to be part of the human condition to always be confused about what is best for us. Maybe we need ‘parents’ all the way through our lives—and being redirected to real toys isn’t actually a bad thing.